i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
