Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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