How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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