I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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