I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
