I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
