yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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