I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
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