Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
