Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
