walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
