: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
