btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
My bed smells like the plague
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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