I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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