i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
