Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
