So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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