tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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