so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
