what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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