Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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