Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
