i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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