I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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