I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
