just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
