So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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