Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
