awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
