highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
