Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
