Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
