I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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