So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
