Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
