Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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