Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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