The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
