I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
