Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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