I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
