I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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