Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
