alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
