I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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