I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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