are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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