The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
