I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
