Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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