Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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