This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
