There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My penis needs a shock collar
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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