I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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